suicide Archives - GOOD IN THE HEAD

June 20, 2017June 25, 2017

If I Can Do It, ANYONE Can

I was depressed and suicidal for around 15 years. I tried numerous anti-depressants, went to see doctors and even checked myself into a mental hospital.

Looking back, I realize I had to hit rock bottom in order to realize what I truly wanted in life. I want what everyone wants: to feel happy! But how?

Happiness means something different to each and every person. While on the anti-depressants, it became a habit to think negative thoughts. Time passed and I became a negative person. I soon was in the middle of living a negative life.

Each thought we think creates a “neural groove” on and into our brains. A small line or groove is literally physically etched into our brain. The more you think that thought the deeper that groove becomes. If the grooves deepen with each thought, how much deeper do you think they become when they are backed up with consistent actions? How important are the thoughts you are thinking every day?

It’s been over three years since I got off those medications. ALL of them. I have never been more happy or grateful for my life, and it has been a consistent thing for the last three years. My life literally keeps getting better and better as time passes, and while I don’t have everything figured out, this is how I got from daily suicidal thoughts to a happy, fulfilling life:

1 -I decided I needed a change. Have you ever been sick and tired of the way your life is going? I was. At this time I was homeless (thank God my three sons were able to live with their mom full-time on a temporary basis), injured (I had just ruptured a disc in my back yet again), and I didn’t have a vehicle.

2 – I thought about what I wanted. This changes from time to time, but I knew I wanted a place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear. I wanted to spend as much quality, positive time with my three sons that I could. Knowing exactly what you want is 85% of the battle! Once I knew what I wanted I knew exactly what I needed to do to get there.

3 – I started a mental list of every single thing I had to be grateful for in my every daily life. Within a month of doing this every day on the way to work I was already a different person. Try it. You’ll see.

4 – A month after the “Gratitude Experiment” I began to read a daily excerpt from a book called, “The Language of Letting Go”, by Melody Beattie. I also saved every positive quote I came across on Facebook and Pinterest.

5 – A month later I watched a documentary called, “Fed Up” on Netflix. Trust me. Watch it. I lost 60 pounds of fat within a matter of months simply by changing my diet and cutting sugars out of it as much as possible. There is always something every single one of us can do to improve our diet, lifestyle, mentality, our health or anything else in our lives. It is a choice.

See The Transformation

I continued to do these things, as much as possible, every single day. CONSISTENCY WAS THE KEY. Sometimes I need some down time, but I always go back to my new habits and new thoughts.

We all have bad days. We all get tired. But I’ve changed some habitual ways of thinking, which changed the way I am habitually living. It took years. It was totally worth it. I love my life. I am so blessed.

Pit Bull said, “It’s not about making it. It’s about maintaining it.”

Making a lot of changes at one time can be extremely overwhelming. If you start with one change, change what you decide to focus on and think about. That one thing will change everything automatically. BE GRATEFUL.

Change can be incredibly difficult, but…

Seriously, If I Can Do It, ANYONE Can.

May 24, 2017May 25, 2017

Blue October Concert, 2017

I’m not really a concert guy. Not that I don’t enjoy them, I just haven’t gone to very many.

Last nights concert was inspirational, emotional, hugely entertaining, and enlightening. Let me share with you why:

First, I have to tell you that my fiance, Carla, has been wanting to see these guys in concert for years. There is a story behind why, but that story is for another time, and for her to tell. When I heard on the radio that they would be in Phoenix, AZ I immediately texted her at work and told her about it so we could buy tickets before they were sold out. The tickets were expensive for us, simply because we have been focusing on getting “debt free” and it wasn’t an expected expense, but I knew we had to go. It was important to me for the simple fact that it was important to her, and you just do things like that for the people you love, right?

I’ll be honest: I didn’t know much about Blue October. We listen to some of their music sometimes at home while cooking or cleaning. I’ve never paid attention to the words. She has told me a little bit about the band over the past few years, but I really didn’t know what to expect.

The day finally came. We were looking forward to this concert all week! As we were getting ready I could see and feel the excitement in her face. “Money well spent”, I thought. We took a few pictures in the family room and then we were off to the concert!

We got a parking spot at the venue and started walking toward the building. It was an hour before the concert and already the parking lot was filling up fast. As we got closer to the front door, people were converging from everywhere into a line that started at the top of the stairs. A big security guy was wanding everyone with a metal detecting device or something and we were goofing around, acting stupid and taking pictures. As we neared the front of the line we became more and more excited. Behind the security line we could see the girls scanning the tickets and people rushing inside to find seats, get food or drinks, or meet up with family and friends.

The security guy wanded Carla. No problems. She left her purse with her weapons behind in the car. As I stepped up to get wanded, the dude put the wand down and asked me to turn round, away from him. I must have looked a little concerned because when I looked at Carla she started laughing and told me I was getting frisked. For those of you who don’t know me, I’ve been busy working my ass off and raising kids for years now, so I’ve made it a point to stay out of trouble and I haven’t been to many places that would require me getting frisked. I really didn’t know what that meant. Sure, I’ve seen it on tv and in the movies, but when that big ol’ dude grabbed my chest from behind and started patting me down, my entire body reacted. I stiffened, stood straight up and started getting nervous. I felt my face turning red and I’ll be honest-when his hands wrapped around my thighs and started moving upward I got a little flustered and let out a little girl squeal, my eyes bulging out of my head. Carla was cracking up, with that goofy, sexy laugh she has, and the poor guy finished his job with an awkward grin on his face. I was all like, “Nobody has ever touched me like that before.” It was a first for me that I wasn’t expecting. I would totally be okay never getting frisked again.

We stood in line and had our tickets scanned. We went inside the building and through some doors at the end of the lobby into the area where they were putting on the concert. There were those stationary, cushioned fold up chairs everywhere, positioned in a circle, with the stage at the center. On the stage there was a drum set and equipment, and because we were in the front row, over the rail in front of us we could see down to all of their boxes that the instruments had traveled in and extra guitars, which were hanging up on a rack.

After finding our seats, we went out in to the lobby to get some food. We stood in line for about five minutes, then decided were weren’t hungry enough to stand in the line anymore and opted for drinks and popcorn instead. We hurried back into the auditorium and hunkered down and talked and laughed and people-watched until 8:00. A few fans at the top of the room started blowing fog down onto the stage. During the show, the fog would serve as a really cool way to enhance the lights and colors into a light show like I’ve never seen before.

As the lights dimmed, everyone started yelling and cheering and a guy walked onto the center stage, amidst all of the equipment, with a violin. I came not knowing what to expect, but I kind of expected the band to take the stage and start playing all of their instruments and singing. Instead, some guy wearing jeans and a cool vans t-shirt started kicking ass on a violin. I’ve never heard anything like it. It was loud, amazing, and the energy in the room changed immediately. Everyone was going wild, and I leaned over to Carla and yelled, “Who in the hell ever thought playing the violin would be the cool thing to do when we were growing up?!” I mean, I was in band and choir, and that was considered pretty nerdy back in the day, but orchestra? Shoot. That was the lowest of the low in the musical world when we were in middle school.

It was the perfect way to warm up the crowd. He played for about 30 or 40 minutes, then walked off the stage like a boss while everyone cheered and the lights came back on. Everyone started walking out, and I was wondering what the hell was going on. “Was that it?!” I wondered. Carla told me it was intermission. Time to pee and grab another drink.

The band kept us waiting for about another hour before they finally came on stage and so while we waited, we talked, ate popcorn and enjoyed the atmosphere. I thought it was sort of a small place but I liked it, and the fact that it was an indoor venue with assigned seating and out of the Arizona heat with everyone so close to the stage made it personable.

Thinking back to the concert, the music and the raw energy and the inspiring message of the songs, I’m surprised that it wasn’t held at a much larger space and that there were not thousands more people there for the experience. The concert was life-altering.

When the band came out the crowd went wild. It was exciting. It was so damn loud! They were all so close to the audience it seemed as though they made eye contact with each and every person at sometime during the performance. Every one of those guys was so musically talented. We watched throughout the show as their support group ran instruments to the musicians, untangled the mic cord as the lead singer walked around the stage and got caught on the equipment and taped a wire down the symbol stand that was pissing off the drummer. “What team work” was all I could think as I watched them sprint around all night. I had no idea so much went into putting on a show like that.

When the singer talked about stepping over a ledge and wanting to end it all, I kind of lost it a little. I remember a time in my life when I felt the same way. He talked about grabbing his pain from the inside of himself, with all of his frustration and self-hatred, and throwing it out and up to the moon and watching it spread out like glitter and float down and fall into the ocean. This led into another of their songs, and I realized by the end of the song, with tears rolling down my face, that I wasn’t alone in my pain. I looked around, and so many others were also standing, holding onto the people they came with or grabbing the hands of those next to them, tears rolling down their faces as well, and we were all connected in those moments in our energy, in our pain, and in our healing.

I came to the concert not knowing much about Blue October or their story or history or struggles, but I feel like now, after just a few hours with them, I really know them.

Thanks guys, for sharing your stories and time and energy with us.

We are all connected. The older we get and the more experience we have in this life, the more we have in common with each other. Pain, healing, bad health, accidents, rehab, addictions, loss of loved ones-whatever it may be, you are not alone.

It is entirely up to you what you choose to do with every moment of the rest of your short life from this very moment and on. Make the most of it.

January 18, 2016October 31, 2020

The Transformation

Any transformation we experience starts on the inside. It starts in our mind. Some of us get destroyed emotionally and have to start all over. Others are goal oriented and create a new life on purpose. I want to share pictures of my own personal transformation over the last year and a half:

It’s easy to notice all of the physical changes, but what you can’t see are all of the chemical, hormonal, spiritual, and emotional changes, and the inner growth and healing, that led to the manifestation of the physical, outside changes in me.

(This is me and my middle son in April, 2014 at his JROTC graduation. He is now a US Marine.)

(This is me and my oldest son during his graduation from a Technical school in 2014.)

(Here we are in June of 2014, volunteering at an event for the homeless. I was in the habit of drinking anywhere from 4 to 8 of these “Thirst Busters” daily, though I always stuck to what I thought was the healthier choice of PowerAde or Gatorade. This is the day before I ruptured a disc in my back simply by picking up an empty cup off the side of the bath tub.)

(This is me with my three sons in October of 2014. At this point in my life I had lost my job, was going through my third divorce, and had starting driving cab a couple of times a week. I had moved into my mom and stepdad’s condo and had just decided to cut sugars out of my diet because of the documentary, Fed Up, which I highly recommend to everyone.)

(This is us at Butcher Jones Beach, Saguaro Lake, in March of 2015.)

(By July, I had dropped in weight from 250 lbs. to 190 lbs. It started with a change of mindset, then a change in my diet. I did pull-ups, planks, and rode my bike everywhere.)

(July 18th, 2015 having a cookout with my best friend and his family.)

(August 1st, 2015 at a good friend’s house, watching the fights.)

(My wife I am so blessed to be married to. We knew each other growing up since the 6th grade, but never hung out. We reconnected in 2015 and began dating months later. We were married after dating for two years.)

I’m healthier, stronger physically and emotionally, happier, and better off now then I have ever been. In 2014 I was stuck in an unhappy relationship, stressed out, over weight and feeling hopeless. I was suicidal for 15 years. Years ago I had been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, bi-polar disorder, and extreme depression. My doctors told me that I would never work again, it would never get better, and that I needed to go on Social Security benefits in order to survive. For years I believed the doctors and what they told me. I listened to their advice.

In 1999, I was at work when my boss told me I was “moody”. It kind of hurt my feelings. At the time I was married to my first wife. We had two sons and I was working a lot of overtime to make ends meet. I was a driver for a non-emergency transportation company, and while I loved it, I was working anywhere from 12 to 18 hours a day, seven days a week. Looking back, of course I was “moody!” I was exhausted. So I went home at the end of the day and asked my wife if she also thought I was moody. Her response was that there may be something to what my boss was saying and maybe I should see a doctor, and so I did. The doctor spoke with me for about five minutes, asked a few questions, and quickly determined it was possible that I was depressed and suggested that I try a new and popular medication called, “Prozac.”

Not long after starting to take this pill, I was on top of the world! I no longer needed to eat or sleep. I drank about a liter of Coke a day and snacked every once in a while. With the help of my neighbor, I built my first computer and within a month was designing web pages. By the second month, I started an online web design company, came up with an idea for a non profit organization, started a new job, enrolled in school full time and lost 40 pounds. I had never felt so alive! I had never functioned so well! My wife was impressed and started calling me Superman. Things had never gone so well. Life was perfect.

At the beginning of the third month on the Prozac, during my first week back to school, without even really thinking about it, I left the house as usual one morning to drive to work and ended up at a gun store. I bought a 9mm handgun, drove to work, quit my job, and drove up into the mountains to kill myself. I was completely unable to think straight. My head felt foggy. I had never thought of killing myself before. It was terrifying.

I slowly and methodically wrote goodbye letters to my parents and my sisters and my wife. When I picked up the gun out of the seat next to me I started to sob. I cried for what seemed like hours. I knew something wasn’t right and I knew that for the first time in my life I really needed help. I didn’t know where to go, who to turn to, or what to do. I decided to drive back home and tell my wife what had happened and how I was feeling. I remember being in the middle of a snow storm in our Astro van at Alta ski resort, wondering why I had driven up into the mountains in a two wheel drive and realizing it was because at the time it hadn’t mattered. I wasn’t planning on driving anywhere ever again. Now, here I was, stuck in the middle of a snow storm, wanting to get home but unable to.

I rocked the van back and forth in an effort to back out of the little parking lot but was unable to go more than a foot from the spot I was in. I was startled when a woman started to bang on the window. I rolled it down, wondering what she was doing walking outside in the middle of what was shaping up to be a blizzard. The wind was blowing the ice and snow sideways and here she was, offering to help push my van out into the roadway. To this day I still wondered where she came from and where she found the strength to actually help me get the van unstuck.

I remember as she was talking to me and asking if I wanted her help, she looked at the gun and the bullets and the letters I had written on the front seat next to me. An overwhelming feeling of guilt came over me, but there was no judgment in her eyes. No fear. She simply looked at me and said, “Let’s get you out of here.” I was so grateful when I made it down the mountain safely and was able to walk back in my home and hold my wife and kids. That was the beginning of the end of my old life.

A lot has happened since then. I’ve learned a lot from the life I’ve lived. I’m grateful for every moment, every “mistake” made, every lesson learned, and for every person I’ve encountered along the way. I believe God works miracles through other people. There are no accidents. There are no mistakes. There is purpose in everything we experience and in each moment of our lives is a blessing. Everything that happens, both good and bad, eventually ends up being for our good, and it is all part of an elaborate plan we may never understand in this life time.

We all know what paranoia means. I LOVE the opposite: PRONOIA. It’s definition is worth repeating and reviewing, DAILY:

THE UNIVERSE WAS DESIGNED FROM THE BEGINNING TO CONSPIRE ON OUR BEHALF.