December 10, 2022
17 years ago I found myself in complete darkness. This dark abyss had become my reality. My inner world was in turmoil, as was my outer reality. I found myself as a newly single father with three little boys, ages 3, 6, and 10. The year was 2005. Under my bed was a duffel bag filled with rope, duct tape, a hack saw, and enough plastic to get rid of a body. It was a plan I had been relentlessly focused on for weeks, and everything was in play. In just two days I was to murder and dismember someone I had perceived to have hurt me, and I wanted them to get a taste of the pain I had been feeling. It is true, what they say: HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.
In retrospect, it is easy to see how, over the years, I had gradually become this dark and dangerous person. It wasn’t any one, big, trauma-inducing experience, but rather a gradual lack of discipline that was slow and imperceivable, creeping in to my mind and becoming my reality. An accumulation of all the little dark thoughts that I had been thinking, repeating, and focusing on, had resulted in hopelessness, and an inability to see things differently than I was capable of seeing myself. I had habituated the practices of self-judgment, self criticism, self-abuse and self-condemnation. I had-become capable of only seeing things as bad, dark, hopeless, and useless, and this was exactly how I viewed my self. I was addicted to the darkness and the feelings that came with it. To top it off, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1999, and had consistently taken mood stabilizers and antidepressants, rendering me incapable of feeling ANYTHING for the previous 6years. I was suicidal every day I was on those medications for 15 years, believing and telling myself that this world and my loved ones would be better off with me dead. It was as if my mind was no longer mine, and I was no longer in control of ANYTHING.
With only two days to go before Murder Day, and with the clock ticking away furiously, my father showed up out of the blue with a book for me to read. I’ll be honest: In my current state I pretended to be grateful (I had become INCREDIBLY good at pretending and acting out what I perceived would please others,) while thinking, “What good could ANY book ever do for me?!” Internally, I was ANGRY. I had spent the last 10 years away from family and this man, living in other states, and wasn’t at all close with him, and it felt like he thought a gift like a book to “fix” me could somehow be a solution. Being the Old Soul he is, one who is prone to deep connections with others and the ability to listen to, AND ACT UPON, his intuition or inner guide, he told me he felt the strong NEED to share this book with me.
Having grown up with a love of reading, it was only a few hours before my boredom and curiosity took over.
We four had the financial support of my Mom and Stepdad, and had a safe, comfortable place to live because of them. At the time, I was shattered and incapable of functioning. I will forever be grateful to a support system that helped us so much over the years. I was truly battered and broken, yet still alive.
I read the entire book that night as my three sons peacefully slept, unaware of the monster they had for a father. About a third of the way through the book, light and hope began to fill my heart and my mind, for the first time in YEARS. I began to think, “What if these things are also possible for me?”
While reading the book, I realized the Author had first made a MOVIE called THE SECRET. I thought it was interesting, and a little backwards, to first make a movie and THEN write a book, and so the next day I dressed the boys and we traveled to the nearest Barnes and Noble bookstore, where I found a copy of the movie, and where they all found a book or toy of interest to them. This was the beginning of a new life.
Intuitively, I chose to start every morning from that day forward by playing the movie as I got ready for the day. I thought that repetition of something GOOD might somehow displace everything BAD. Through the work of Dr. Bruce Lipton, I now know this is absolutely true, and that WHAT WE FOCUS ON, WE FEED. The quote by Anne Lamott comes to mind: “My mind is like a bad neighborhood-I try not to go there alone.” Alone is relative, and to read or listen to a book, is to meditate with the author, as Robin Sharma once stated. I was surprised to notice, as time passed, that each of the three boys were watching the movie THE SECRET intently, EVERY DAY, while playing with a toy, dressing, or eating. Every morning was silent as we all absorbed the messages and stories contained on the DVD as the movie played in the background of our lives. This practice went on for weeks.
The messages and stories stuck with us all, throughout the years. It literally SAVED AND ALTERED OUR LIVES, and forever altered the trajectory of many other lives, as well.
I would love to report that everything was “fixed” after these many weeks, but as life went on, the practice of starting the day watching or listening to THE SECRET came to an end, and the darkness quietly and quickly creeped back in and took over. I faked it well, portraying a capable, responsible, happy father and contributing member of society, but deep down, I knew the actual truth. I was dark, shattered, useless, forever broken, and an actual waste of space and oxygen. I just knew that someday I would do something damaging or devastating, and I listened to the doctors all those years when they told me if I were ever to go off of the mood stabilizers or antidepressants I would certainly, soon thereafter, kill or harm another or myself. In fear and darkness I lived for 15 years, surrounded by incredible, supportive, loving, accepting family members, co-workers, and friends, while perpetually experiencing extreme loneliness, hopelessness, and unfulfilling emptiness within. I dragged my sons through many relationships, moving into the homes of other women then back out again. They were with me through a few more failed marriages, and through all this time, and through all these failures, they continued to do something to me that I seemed to be incapable of doing for myself: THEY LOVED ME. They are the reason I am alive today.
Years later, in 2014, the woman I was married to at that time decided it was time for me to go off of the medications. “Have they EVER REALLY helped?” This was the question she asked that woke me up to the reality that NONE of the medications had “saved” me or made things better for me. I was terrified, believing that with the doctors had told me would certainly unfold. She had done some research, and found a chemist from Canada who had created a supplement called, Q96 Empower Plus. This chemist had lost his wife and daughter to suicide, and committed his life‘s work to creating a supplement that might help others better think and manage emotions in a way that many other medication’s probably never will. I am grateful to report that it has worked well for me since 2014, and I still take it every day.
A few months after I stopped taking the medication‘s, I got my mind back. I was able to think again, and I felt like my REAL self for the first time in 15 years. Soon there after, I experienced my third divorce. I started over with what seemed like nothing, yet again. Only this time, I had my mind back. I had the experience of over four decades of learning. I was able to use my imagination to see into the future, and decide what type of man and father and companion I wanted to someday become. I went back to the teachings of the book, THE SECRET, began each day with a routine that included a gratitude practice, and everything began to fall into place. Every person, thing, situation, podcast, job, and circumstance that could ever be needed to create this future vision of my self began flying into my new reality. For the first time in my life, I avoided long-term relationships. I believed the words of Jim Rohn when I discovered them that say, “For things to change for you, you have to change. For things to get better for you, you have to get better.” I knew I had a lot of work to do, and a lot to catch up on. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work on ME, finally realizing that nobody was coming to save me, and that is wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility to save me, and that the rest of my life was 100% MY RESPONSIBILITY.
A year later I reconnected with the PERFECT woman for me and my boys, while simultaneously intending NOT to get into another relationship. What can I say? Things fell seamlessly into place.
A few years later we were married. She taught me what unconditional love is, ACTUALLY, and I have been practicing getting better at it. Because of the perfect environment she created for me, simply by being herself, I feel nourished, safe, whole, and well. This environment she created for me and everyone around her of unconditional love, acceptance, and appreciation, has empowered me to create a personal, inner environment like no other I have ever before experienced, and as I continue to learn and expand into the future vision of self I desire, things are simply effortless, easy, comfortable, joyous, beautiful, and seemingly perfect. It is a state of being I wish for everyone.
Since 2017, and because of how things have unfolded, I have created a website to share much of what I have learned and experienced through SO MANY amazing teachers.
It is www.goodinthehead.com
I hope it may somehow provide a sort of roadmap for others, exposing pitfalls and traps of the human experience that are so easily avoided, that their life experience may be different than mine, and somehow better. It is my hope that by learning THROUGH others experiences we may ALL up-level more efficiently and quickly, bi-passing needless suffering and creating the most beautiful personal reality possible, at all times. It is because of this hope I began recording podcasts, available on YouTube under the name, The goodinthehead Podcast.
To Rhonda Byrne: Thank you for your generosity, and for the ability you cultivated to listen to your true and divine self, so much that you created something so valuable to so many millions of us in the world. My life has forever been changed because my father gave me your book.
Your other book, THE GREATEST SECRET, is one I listen to often and I am so grateful for. Thank you. Much love to you and yours.